Solace

Well, it's been days.

-xxxx-
Last Saturday was supposedly a typical weekend.
Another plate to do, more pictures to take..
I didn't have classes, so I planned everything I had to do.

And I thought that the weather would cooperate with me.
It did not.

And my sister was out there.

-xxx-

The hours went by and the rain started pouring.
I was planning on getting out to finish my Photography homework but I couldn't because of the rain.
I thought it was just the usual rain, but it went on and on, without stopping.
And it was pouring harder as the minutes passed. My parents started to worry.
So did I.

-xxxx-

My friend was still working with me in our house when my parents decided to fetch my sister home.
We two can't be left alone, so they decided to take him to his house too.
And they set off.

-xxxx-

The hours passed.
Home alone.
Waiting.

They failed to get my sister.
The vehicle couldn't take it.
My sister told us that she'd be renting a motel with some of our church friends.

We prayed for her safety.

The electricity went out.

-xxxxx-

I couldn't sleep that night.
Opening and closing my eyes gave the same thing -- Darkness.

Was she safe?

No contact.
All phones were dead.

And it was the worst of the flood here.
I thought this house was unreachable.

-xxx-
The day after.
The feeling was like being stuck in a space without time.
Nothing moving.
No communication.
No electricity.
No water.

Everyone was just outside.
Nothing else.

We still didn't know where she was.
Until she sent a message.

She was in a radio station.
So were our friends.

We waited.

-xxxx-

More hours.
And there she was.

She was there.
Finally.

Night two with no electricity.

-xxxx-

Day three.
The water was slowly going down.

We started cleaning up.

Electricity went back.
But no internet.

-xxx-

Day Four.

Today.
Internet came back.
To post everything that happened for the past few days.

I just found out the we won't have school for a week.
It's partly a good thing and a bad thing.

Ciao.

And pics?
Here they are.

This was after the water went down.

The backyard.

Downstairs.

Notice the markings on the wall. That's actually higher BEFORE I took that picture.

Poor little pup.

And it gets worse at night.

No mistake here. This is what you really see when you go outside.

The aftermath.

Yep. The water has lowered.

-xxxx-

But these are nothing compared to what the others came through...
It's the worst of a lifetime.

hannahbsantos: if this was the last time I'll smile, it's not your fault.
hannahbsantos: I thought you understood me.
hannahbsantos: I thought you already knew what to do.
hannahbsantos: What my words meant.
hannahbsantos: I was wrong.
hannahbsantos: You just ate your own words.
hannahbsantos: You told me you weren't going to leave me.
hannahbsantos: ... And you just did. Just because I told you so.
hannahbsantos: I didn't know you were this stupid.
hannahbsantos: Because.... Just because I say it... Doesn't always mean that you have to do it.
hannahbsantos: Now. I'm alone again. And I don't care anymore.
hannahbsantos: Fuck.
hannahbsantos: You told me you weren't going to let me weep alone anymore.
hannahbsantos: Well, guess what.
hannahbsantos: I'd rather it be that now more than ever BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
hannahbsantos: I've always told you become a man.
hannahbsantos: But up to now... You're still like a child.

-xxxx-

Sleepless nights.

So after ten days, I come back.

Yeah.
So many things happened.
And I couldn't post because of... Unavoidable things.
Anyway, I just bought a notebook today and I like it.
It doesn't have any lines in it, and it's not totally white.
I want to put thoughts here.

Well, my sister told me something crazy she did once.
I lol'd.
A whole lot.

This is what she told me.
Translated in English.

" I was washing Wilbur (our pet dog, the crazy one) with papaya soap. I made him lick the soap."

"Well, I got curious of what he tasted, so I licked it too."

-xxx-

It would sound funnier when I tell it in Tagalog. :/

"Nung pinapaliguan ko si Wilbur, gamit ko papaya soap. Pinadila ko sa kanya."

" Na curious ako kung ano yung nalasahan niya, kaya dinilaan ko rin yung sabon."

-xxxx-

She ate half a whole chicken today.
She wasn't full.
She ate dessert.
It wasn't enough.
The table became pretty empty and she's still hungry.

Freaky little...

I'm like a bitter apple covered with ice cream sprinkles.


I don't think anyone would get that.
I don't think anyone understands anymore.
I don't think anyone cares anymore.


I think I'm overreacting.


I think I should just go back to what I did before.
I mean, I always lied about being perfectly fine even though I wasn't.

I seem to be overreacting now, since it's just being taken for granted.
*sigh*


I don't care anymore.
I'll just do it.
No one needs to know my problems.
I don't want to become more of a burden to other people's lives because of my own problems.
Not to my friends.
Not to my mother.
Not to my father.
Not to anyone.


Just to myself.
And myself alone.



I've been lying to myself about being really, really happy.
Now that I've accepted that fact, it make it a bit sadder.

I don't want this anymore.


I need more than just ice cream sprinkles to cover all that bitterness.

It has been long.
Again.

I've been through too much.
Now, I'm still going through more, even if it's unrelated to school.

Emotional stress.
Now how do I describe this...

When you fill a cup with tea,
it gets full.
But if you continue to fill it with tea,
it will overflow.
Without getting the tea out of the cup,
if you keep on pouring the tea in,
the tea will just go to waste.

Leaking.

I've been used to not sharing my problems with anyone.
In fear of becoming more of a burden that I already am.
So I hid everything.
For years.

Now, I'm having problems.
I've kept to much things that I can't take in more problems anymore.

I'm having emotional breakdowns at random times.
Most of the time, they don't even have reasons.

I call them leaks.

-xxx-

I have nowhere to run to.

No one to cry on.

I'm just... All alone now.

Stressed out.
I spent a whole week of vacation doing every single thing for finals.



They're almost done. Everything.
But at least... Please give me some time to breathe!

Goodness.

On other things, I'm quite excited for Sub_6 now.
Really, really tense. And excited.
Hahaha.

Right now, I just want everything done and finally have my rest.
I'm really tired.
Just really tired.


-xxx-


Am I really that hard to read now...?
I just always wonder now.
No one knows how lonely I feel.
I smile and they believe it.
But because of that, even when I look sad, no one seems to truly see.
I wonder.
Why is that?
They could easily know others feel lonely, even without being told that they are.
But me.
I have to tell of my loneliness before they'd know.
They could not read my face.
No matter how much in need it looks.


No one simply can now.


My mother said I had sharp eyes.
She told me to always smile.
So people wouldn't be so scared of me.

Shoot. It's a week.

NO.
It's more than a week.
Furking disease.
Furking schedule.
Furking finals.
-xxxx-

So, really.
I have to write a lot of stuff to make up for it?
I think so, I think not.

I got sick.
Very sick.

The past month, I've been suffering a sickness/a series of ailments that I know not of.
The past week, I showed almost every sign of A/H1N1.
The past few days, I had a flu.
Yesterday, I just got better.
Today, I'm finally feeling better.
Better than any day for the past month.

Up to now, I still don't know what sickness I had.
But if it was A/H1N1, I think I just survived it.

-xxx-

Last Saturday was my dear friend's debut party.
I was excited.


Until I found out that he wasn't going.
Everything became pointless.
I wanted not to go.
Wearing that stupid dress.
It was all pointless.
All because of a fever.
A fever that he got from me.

But I must go.
I had to represent him. And Emary.
Even with the fact that I'm also sick.
Almost as sick as them.
I had to show up.
I made a promise to that girl.
I didn't want to break her heart.


-xxx-

Cheska received a message that night.
It said that classes were suspended from 20 June - 29 June.
At first we thought it was a joke.
Then came whole waves of the same message saying that it has been confired.
And posted on the school entrance wall.
We still didn't believe it.
Good thing we had numbers of our professors.
We asked.

... Those things were real.
NO.

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD.
NOT IN OUR SCHOOL. NO.


-xxx-
Last Friday.
Was my speech for finals.
It turned out well.
My throat wasn't.
But at least it was good.
And I did it on-the-spot.


-xxx-


I think those are the stuff I remember.
... Golly.

In case no one has noticed, I have not posted in a few days.

It is simply because MY FRIGGIN' LAPTOP WON'T COOPERATE WITH ME.

*inhale, exhale*

But luckily, it works again now.

-xxxx-

I was suprised yesterday.
My mother bought another addition to her collection.

The Sims 3.


I thought that they were going to release it much later than I expected.
And the things I can say about it... My goodness.

YOU CAN CUSTOMIZE EVERYTHING.

The graphics are so good that it's scary.
The sound, thank goodness, they improved the music. (I hated The Sims 2 music.)
The interface is just similar to The Sims 2, except that they added and took off a few things.
The gameplay has changed almost totally.
I haven't tested it much yet but you can actually go to your work.
You can drive your way all throughout your neighborhood.
There's finally a sky. And it's utterly amazing. Be sure to look at it during sunrise and sunset, it's awesome.
They removed the Aspirations feature, and replaced it with the Wishes feature, which you have a choice if you want to promise a wish, or forget about it.
I can't tell everything. There are so many changes that made this game a lot better than The Sims 2.

But one thing I really loved is that... There are not much loading screens anymore that take up most of your game time.

Well, if you want to know more about this, just look at the web for reviews, or buy the game itself.

-xxxx-

Feeling unwell, on the bad side.
I've been having this bad headache since yesterday.

I hope it's nothing serious.

Please pray that it isn't.

This is a normal daily occurence in a certain fire exit.

-xxxx-

The rain pours hard.
It is very cold.

I love it.
But he hates it.

It is alright.
It proves that we are merely human.

It proves that we are truly human.

-xxxx-

Today, I feel like playing my piano.
I feel like drawing something.
I feel like writing another story.

Many people think I can do so many things.
Many people think that I am gifted.
Just because I strive to become...
... Much more human.

And they don't understand that.


But there are a lot of things that I cannot do.
I can't cook well.
I cannot clean.
I'm very clumsy.
I'm bad with Filipino/Tagalog even though I'm Filipina.
I'm really bad with math.

Now why is this?

It is because I'm human.


But I want to change it.
Somehow, there's something inside me that wants me to become beyond those limitations.


Someone else inside.

Yesterday, I found a little bird.
It was hiding in my stuff.

I took care of it.
It seemed to like me.
The way it jumped on my face.
It jumped and jumped and I laughed with it.
It was lively, and I laughed with it.
It became very comfortable with me.

-xxx-

The little bird.
It died while I was at school.
And to think that I kissed it before leaving.
... It was the last time I'll ever see it.

I'm feeling kind of sad.
But somehow, I feel relieved too.
It liked my company.
It always jumped around me when I tried to call it.
Instead of trying to run away, it jumps on my face.
And stays on my shoulder.
It was calm with me.

But now.
It's buried in our backyard.
I'll never forget that little critter.
How it answered back with my chirps.
I'll miss it.